An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Practicing safe sax
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
🤣🤣💀
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.