First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
real
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win