There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.