TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
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I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Truth
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.