Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
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Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Worst Native American name ever.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.