Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Never ghost your hitman.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills