my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
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First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
2022 will be better than 2021
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things