my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!