The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I’m giving up ice.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite