Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.