Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
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I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*