I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird