[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
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Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here