transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m being attacked 😭
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Is fake venison called venisn’t
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Name another movie that mislead you?
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.