Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
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┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life