Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion