I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
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Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.