Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster