saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Lucky for them, they’re cute