@XplodingUnicorn

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

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@TheBoydP

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

@AaronMichael_

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

@RandomAntics

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

@ninatreemonkey

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

@beefman138

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@BadJordon

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

@jonnysun

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

@michael_raphone

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

@djdarrellripley

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….