The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?


Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+


as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.


The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs


“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.


Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.


HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.


the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam


[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together


(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….