The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?