DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Yeah. This was me today.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?