Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.