IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
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My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I hate everything
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Accurate
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Still cracks me up
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.