I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
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I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I鈥檓 attracted to squirrels now.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
馃槵
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Inside you there are two wolves
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window