Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
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Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Tonight’s to-do list:
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[on Wheel of Fortune]
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__
Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Studio audience: *groans*
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%