Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
doing some research
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
#parenting
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?