My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I think I’m having a stroke
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”