U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
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Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Sharon I have some bad news
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.