A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?