handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
me after drinking all the wine:
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.