Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
meanwhile over on facebook
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.