Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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You saw nothing. I am ham.
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ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.