I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
ugh not again
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?