TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
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Spring cleaning checklist…
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.