getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
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Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Just this preview of the story is enough
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.