It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita