Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
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Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.