*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.