Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!