6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
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Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.