Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
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why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”