It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?