Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
You Might Also Like
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.