Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.