@noog
@BuckyIsotope Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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@BuckyIsotope 
@stephenjmolloy [Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
@OhNoSheTwitnt Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
@Tmoney68 Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
@BigFatNothing (in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
@Whiskey_Dixon I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
@mrtruthandsoul I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
@Home_Halfway BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
@junejuly12 My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
@sixfootcandy Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.