Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas