@noog

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

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@BuckyIsotope

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

@Tmoney68

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

@BigFatNothing

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

@mrtruthandsoul

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@sixfootcandy

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.