Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

my first day as a raccoon

Are you ok, human???

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

My background check bounced.

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

What

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.