Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.


[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”


Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.


(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”


I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman


BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.


My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.


Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.