I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?