I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
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Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.