Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”