Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra