Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
[eats all your cotton candy]
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
they finally got him. they got macavity
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People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
TODAY
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