Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Ron is short for Aaronald
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I had to Stop for this
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google