Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
At least my masseuse has my back.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Duolingo getting serious.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.