Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
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Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.