Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying