Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Trying
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.